the monster ive become

what the hell happened to me? when i first came here, everything was going pretty good being the new kid and all, but 7 months later...i dont know what happened. im more depressed than before, i cant seem to make matters better and im letting myself go...smoking, going days without eating, thinking about ways to make it better, but the only way i can see is the most selfish of all. the only thing sucicide will fix is the problebms i have, but it will only make it worse for the few that still care about me. i just dont know what to do anymore. i didnt take the advice a good friend gave me and ended up making matters worse and i lost her as a friend. and i fear that the same thing that happened to her will happen to another friend of mine who seems to care about me. i dont want to hurt her as well. i wish i could pull my shit togher and live a better life, but i just seem so depressed all the time and im too pessemistic to do anything it seems like. i dont know....thats all i can fucking say. i really have problebms