Thursday, July 24, 2008
she was trying to save me
i havent noticed it completley untill now, but she really was trying to help me. my ex girlfriend/best friend was trying to open my eyes, to get me to see what the hell i was doing. all i did was push her away. i sat here for a while and thought about it. she tried everything she could to help me. and now i realize what ive done. i just wish i could get better. i wish there was some way to fix this. i cant tell her how sorry i am for what ive done. i over used the word as i have noticed so it no longer means anything. if i can get better, i would do anything to build that trust agian, but i fear i may never gain that trust, and everything that made that friendship so strong.
if i could just get better...
i was just thinking about what i could do if i just get through this. i could possibly get my best friend back, i could do better in school, i could live a better life, i could be sucessful....i could even live a happy life. i could write about my life and how bad it was and how i turned it all around. i think i should give it another shot. im sure getting better is the main issue i have, when it could solve most of my other problebms. and all ive been focusing on are the ending results of my decisions
the monster ive become
what the hell happened to me? when i first came here, everything was going pretty good being the new kid and all, but 7 months later...i dont know what happened. im more depressed than before, i cant seem to make matters better and im letting myself go...smoking, going days without eating, thinking about ways to make it better, but the only way i can see is the most selfish of all. the only thing sucicide will fix is the problebms i have, but it will only make it worse for the few that still care about me. i just dont know what to do anymore. i didnt take the advice a good friend gave me and ended up making matters worse and i lost her as a friend. and i fear that the same thing that happened to her will happen to another friend of mine who seems to care about me. i dont want to hurt her as well. i wish i could pull my shit togher and live a better life, but i just seem so depressed all the time and im too pessemistic to do anything it seems like. i dont know....thats all i can fucking say. i really have problebms
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Best Friend
In today's post (also my first post here on blogger) i will be talking about my best friend Ashley (you may have read her awesome blog
http://andeerose.blogspot.com/) she has been a good friend of mine ever since i came to Spring Hill in December of 2007. in the last six months, we have been buddies, close friends, together in a relationship and broken apart two months later. through everything we have been through, we still remain friends. never in my life have i ever met anybody so caring, open and optimistic. She has tried helping me so much, but all I've ever done was push her away and make bad decisions and end up hurting her. thats all i've done to her was cause her pain. all she did was try to help and never gave up on me. you're probably thinking "what the hell is wrong with you? how could you do this to her?" I've realized all the pain i have caused her. The only person that's ever cared about me, and I ended up pushing her away with bad decisions. As I sit here at my computer, I think about all that I did, and I feel like the worst friend ever. I would like to change. To be a good friend. I am going to try my best to better myself and for not to have her watch me throw my life away. I would like to start to change today, but I realized something- How can I have her believe me that I've quit. In the past I promised her that I would quit, but never did. Only for the two months that we dated, i quit. after the breakup, i became very depressed and picked up smoking once again, and since then, I've been smoking my life away and crying myself to sleep every night whenever I'm not up thinking of what reasons I have to be alive. I have a reason to live. That reason is the friends I have and her, the only one that's been there for me from the start. Other than a healthier lifestyle, She and my friends that care about me are my reason for quitting. She hasn't given up on me, so I should try harder for her.
http://andeerose.blogspot.com/) she has been a good friend of mine ever since i came to Spring Hill in December of 2007. in the last six months, we have been buddies, close friends, together in a relationship and broken apart two months later. through everything we have been through, we still remain friends. never in my life have i ever met anybody so caring, open and optimistic. She has tried helping me so much, but all I've ever done was push her away and make bad decisions and end up hurting her. thats all i've done to her was cause her pain. all she did was try to help and never gave up on me. you're probably thinking "what the hell is wrong with you? how could you do this to her?" I've realized all the pain i have caused her. The only person that's ever cared about me, and I ended up pushing her away with bad decisions. As I sit here at my computer, I think about all that I did, and I feel like the worst friend ever. I would like to change. To be a good friend. I am going to try my best to better myself and for not to have her watch me throw my life away. I would like to start to change today, but I realized something- How can I have her believe me that I've quit. In the past I promised her that I would quit, but never did. Only for the two months that we dated, i quit. after the breakup, i became very depressed and picked up smoking once again, and since then, I've been smoking my life away and crying myself to sleep every night whenever I'm not up thinking of what reasons I have to be alive. I have a reason to live. That reason is the friends I have and her, the only one that's been there for me from the start. Other than a healthier lifestyle, She and my friends that care about me are my reason for quitting. She hasn't given up on me, so I should try harder for her.
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